The most BITCHIN steak sandwich you will ever come across in your whole life.

Ayt, let me lay down the best sandwich that you have ever glazed your precious taste buds with. This shit will serve two people right here, so grab a friend, your mother, your SO, a prostitute, whomever you want to share a tear (or orgasm, I ain't judging) with.

The tools for your ascension:

• A slim and sexy baguette
• About 2 tblsp of delicious pesto, or whatever amount you feel is best (If you can, make this in yo own house)
• Some crunchy, crunchy cress, portion size of your own discretion
• One solid, tear inducing onion
• About 2 tblsp of brown sugar
• 2tblsp of unsalted butter
• 2tblsp of balsamic vinegar
• Some stingy horseradish sauce
• Two eggs
• Around 6 petite cherry tomatoes, as size isn't everything.
• Some Cheddar AND Parmesan cheese, to get that nice cheesy flava
• 6 smokey streaks of b-licious smokey bacon
• 2 nice steaks, about 100g each, no need to be anything fancy, but don't you go up serving some tire bullshit, you know what I mean?
• Chavvy English mustard

A step-by-step guide to mouth orgasms:

Pre-good advice: Heat your oven to 100 C

1. First off, you're gonna want to peel that onion, and cut it into 2 cm thick circles. Then you're gonna take the butter and a swish of olive oil and heat it in a pan. Once the butter has melted, toss that delicious brown sugar in there and give it a swirl. After that, put the onions in, one layer here with equality and all that shit, and cook on high for about 5 min. Once that's in the past, toss in the vinegar and put a lid on that fryinpan, letting the onions cook for about 30 min or until they get sexy and glazed.

2. Boil your two eggs for between 6½ - 7 min. Trust me on this, I am master level in egg boiling, so if you want the eggs a bit loose, go more for the 6½ mark. When they be done, peel them, chop 'em up in cubes and put them in a bowl. Now, this is where shit gets a bit subjective. You're gonna put in the horseradish sauce in there, and you want it to be covering and clinging to the eggs, like a crazy girlfriend, but not saucing them, if you get me. I'd say about 2 tblsp should do it (Jesus fucking christmas I must love tblsp that shit is everywhere). Give it a bit of salt and pepper and mix.

3. Next, you're gonna want to fry your bacon. Get that shit nice and caramelised in the pan with a tiny bit of olive oil, and then toss them aside on a piece of paper to let them dry into crunchy greatness.

4. Take your steaks and cover them with something that you don't care about staining, like cling film or some shit, I dunno. Now grab a blunt object and hit that shit like it's a nice piece of spankable ass. You're gonna want to get it to about 1 cm thickness, and I'm not doing that in imperal, y'all got the internet.

5. Fry your steaks in the oil left by the bacon. This is for two reasons: a) delicious flavour to the meat, and b) less dishes. Make sure the pan is screeching harpy hot for this. Fry each side between 2-4 minutes on each side, less if you like it raw, and more if you like it wrong.

6. Put the steaks on a cutting board, give them a pillow (not needed) and let them nap for about a minute. Slice them up into nice slits. Judge the size by yourself, you want them to fit on a baguette after all, and all baguettes are different. It is just important to note that some women, or men; I ain't a homophobe, actually like smaller baguettes.

7. Speaking of baguette, you should grab yours. Right now. Get it ready. The way to do that is to slice it in two (ow) separate loafs. You want them to be about 25 cm long each (a truly mighty baguette), and slice them apart. Sprinkle some olive oil on both slices, and put a bit of cheddar in one. Heat in the oven until the bread is toasted and cheese is melted (Any similarities to Subway is unintentional, I promise). Once they are done, start assembling your masterpiece, not forgetting to put on all the things that DIDN'T need to be flamed in a fryingpan, e.g the tomatoes. I have included an image to aid you should you be to mouth horny at this point to figure out a construction plan on your own:

http://ift.tt/1MGGpuA

I am well aware that I couldn't have gotten a more shitty photo had I taken it with a literal toaster, but you get the idea. Now serve this shit with some nice fries and enjoy as you are taken to place where your mind is challenged, and your sexuality questioned.

bon appetit