Double Coffee Cake

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You don’t get to use breakfast as a dessert shield.

Ordinarily when you or any other level-stomached person sees a piece of cake, you think “ah, a tasty dessert I can have after I eat a normal-ass balanced meal like a fucking adult”. You have a moderately-sized slice, maybe a cup of coffee, and you move on with the evening. Simple.

But for some god-forsaken reason, as soon as that wad of cake has the word ‘coffee’ in it or happens to be shaped like a circle instead of a triangle you fatasses think you have carte fucking blanche to go to town on it.

Look, if I ate a tub of frosting and cookies for breakfast, you’d rightfully tell me I’m a piece of shit and that I have no business making decisions about what to eat at a Burger King, much less writing my own recipes for unwitting readers to eat. Don’t sit there and tell me that it’s ok just because a coffee shop gave it a cutesy name and put it in a glass case, because that’s bullshit.

So no, I’m not going to finish this by putting some snarky comment about how “this cake’s so good you can eat it any time of the day!” because I’m not gonna give you that. You eat this double coffee cake like a human being, not like a 5-year-old kid who suddenly decided he could make his own breakfast out of sugar and smiles.

You are gonna use a pretty good bit of sugar though, so hey, I guess you can be a kid again.

Here's what you need:

Crumble

• 1/4 cup (packed) dark brown sugar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 3 tbsp AP flour
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 3 tbsp butter (room temp)

Cake

• 1/4 cup (packed) dark brown sugar
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 2 tbsp finely ground coffee grounds
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 5 tbsp butter (room temp)
• 1 tsp almond extract
• 1/4 cup Greek yogurt
• 3/4 cup whole milk
• 1 egg (room temp)

Glaze

• 2 tbsp fresh brewed coffee
• 1 cup powdered sugar

Here's how you do it:

1. First, preheat your oven to 375.
2. Make the crumble by putting the butter, cinnamon, flour, and both sugars in a small bowl. Mix them together using either your hands or a pastry cutter until they form clumps; you don't wanna get this shit too fine, people. You want it to be crumbly.
3. For the cake, you're gonna basically start the same way: throw the sugars, baking soda/powder, coffee grounds, cinnamon, and butter in a stand mixer and mix them on low until they're combined.
4. Whisk together the yogurt and milk in a small bowl and add those to the batter on low with the almond extract and egg. Make sure you do this JUST until it's combined; if you make it too smooth you won't get the crumbly goodness that coffee cake is all about.
5. Butter up (or non-stick spray up, but that doesn't sound nearly as good) a 9x9 square baking pan and spread the batter in there.
6. Pour the crumble on top of the batter, then stick the whole thing in the oven for about 30 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.
7. While that's going on, brew up some coffee for the glaze.
8. Glaze is insultingly simple to make: just pour a couple tablespoons of the coffee into some powdered sugar and stir together with a fork. Too thin? More sugar. Too thick? More coffee. A chimp could do it, and hopefully you're not actually a chimp trying to read this and make coffee cake. You should be making banana bread, obviously.
9. When the cake is done baking, let it rest for 5 minutes, then put it on a cooling rack till it gets down to room temperature.
10. Pour the glaze on top in neat little ribbons, and you're all set.

As always, thanks.

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bon appetit